Experience Sharing vs Instrumental Communication

What’s the Difference?

• Instrumental (Imperative) Communication: Directs action.
  “Pick up your toys.”

• Experience Sharing (Declarative) Communication: Shares information or observations.
  “Oops, I nearly tripped over the toys on the floor.”
  
  

Imperatives tell children what to do. Declaratives invite them to notice, think, and respond.

Why Experience Sharing (Declaratives) Matter

1. Encourages Thinking — Children pause and process rather than just obey.

2. Supports Problem-Solving — They figure out what to do next rather than waiting for instructions.

3. Reduces Pressure — Less demand equals less anxiety, making space for learning.

4. Strengthens Connection — Children feel invited into shared experiences instead of controlled.

Examples in Action

• Instead of: “Wash your hands.”
  Try: “Hmm, my hands feel sticky — I think I’ll wash them.”
  
  

• Instead of: “Don’t run!”
  Try: “The floor looks slippery — I’m going to walk carefully.”
  
  

Over time, children learn to self-reflect and regulate without constant external commands.

An RDI® Perspective

Experience sharing communication is central to the guiding relationship in RDI®. It shifts the focus from compliance to competence, from control to collaboration, and from following directions to developing independence.

Want to bring mindful communication into your home? Download our free ebook, Supporting Neurodivergent Children with Confidence or join our free RDI® Made Simple course. 

Contributed by

Genevieve Chua

Educational Psychologist and RDI® Training Director (Southeast Asia and Australia)

Children's Partnership